Whenever I see heaven in pictures or movies, it looks, at best, nice. Pleasant, comforting, calm -- but it never makes me think, “I can’t wait to get there” like shots of a luxury hotel. Maybe clouds and really blue skies were enough for keep people in the 15th century in line, but heaven has to step it up a bit. They’re basically getting by because they only have to be better than hell. I think that’s setting the bar kind of low, Heaven.

I also hope that when you get into heaven they tell you how much you made it by. I’d like to be the guy who just barely made it and lord it over Mother Theresa the whole time. “Oh, you didn’t get wasted and have oral sex and we’re both here? Funny that.” I’m figuring I’ll need stuff like that to keep me occupied because heaven will be so boring.